As i sit here at 11:14am on a Monday morning, i feel a mix of emotions. Maybe because its the first real chance ive had all week to sit down and contemplate things. Some things id rather forget about and somethings i'll look back on and smile. Im physically worn out and mentally tired and in a way i feel ive neglected myself.

Yesterday i sat in church with a hangover and i hated myself badly. I had 6hrs sleep and worked for 5hours that morning trying not to collapse on the register. I sat in church thinking what am i doing here and i wanted to cry. I looked around and i realised people at NBC were happy people, singing gospels at the top of their lungs. When amazing grace came on i felt this had to be the song i sung at the top of my lungs. Instead i found myself mouth shut taking it all in struggling to keep my composure.

If i could tape my mouth shut i would because it troubles me to know that i can say such evils but out of the same mouth also glorifying God. What really troubled me this week were these, and i hope that i can address them in the future in a more appropriate way:
- Being on my learners and having peopel tail gate me. I feel great anger and imagine stopping the car and getting out with a blunt instrument.. you get the idea
- Having a few members of my cricket team constantly abusing me with racist remarks and swearing directly. I feel great compulsion to hurl abuse back putting me on the same level as them